Shit...shit...shit...
Feb. 20th, 2005 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
candylandI really don't know what to say. I don't. This started as a great night, but has descended down into something that I really hoped I would NEVER have to deal with, as an RA or as a human being.
It started as a wonderful night. There was an ACES event, a play: The Turn of the Screw. One of my guy friends (bless my boys...) offered to play escort, so we went together. Enjoyed it thoroughly.
Came back to the dorm, and one of the first things I heard from anyone was if I knew what had happened. This person then took me to a window to point out the flashing lights from a police car parked outside another building. I shrugged, figuring that someone had maybe hurt themselves, or that someone had decided to have one last party before the weekend and had downed one drink too many, even though it's a Sunday AND it was still pretty early.
So imagine my shock when they said that they'd heard someone had died. THAT will drop the floor out from under you pretty damn fast, let me tell you. Later, one of the other RA's came to talk to me: there had been a death on campus. And furthermore, it was someone I knew. I think my heart stopped.
It's crazy...it's just so crazy. Everyone's pretty much in shock, and there are no answers. We only know the 'who.' We have nothing to give for the how, the when, or the why, and that last is the most important.
I knew this guy. I sat next to him in band all last year--he was an AWESOME tenor sax player, and a lot of the time he was a really nice guy (he had his moments, just like anybody else). We played a piece in band for the last concert called Godzilla Eats Las Vegas, and he put together this enormous movie production thing for it to tell the story that goes with the music. It was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen, and he was given a standing ovation for it. He was a senior.
I really don't feel anything right now, and that almost scares me. I haven't cried. I've spent my evening answering questions and keeping an eye out for word, and comforting another friend who was very close to this young man--she was really upset. I've had a couple of 'freak out' moments, but...I don't know, I just feel kind of numb.
I don't think it's fully hit me yet. I don't think it WILL hit me until I walk into the next band rehearsal and look up in the second row and see that empty chair. I think that's when it'll sink in that I'll never get to say hi to him again. And then I think it's really going to start hurting. That's when it'll be real.
Shit...I just don't know what to do. I just don't know.
~ Candy-chan
[EDITTED: 2/21/2005] I think it's pretty much official--it was suicide.
It started as a wonderful night. There was an ACES event, a play: The Turn of the Screw. One of my guy friends (bless my boys...) offered to play escort, so we went together. Enjoyed it thoroughly.
Came back to the dorm, and one of the first things I heard from anyone was if I knew what had happened. This person then took me to a window to point out the flashing lights from a police car parked outside another building. I shrugged, figuring that someone had maybe hurt themselves, or that someone had decided to have one last party before the weekend and had downed one drink too many, even though it's a Sunday AND it was still pretty early.
So imagine my shock when they said that they'd heard someone had died. THAT will drop the floor out from under you pretty damn fast, let me tell you. Later, one of the other RA's came to talk to me: there had been a death on campus. And furthermore, it was someone I knew. I think my heart stopped.
It's crazy...it's just so crazy. Everyone's pretty much in shock, and there are no answers. We only know the 'who.' We have nothing to give for the how, the when, or the why, and that last is the most important.
I knew this guy. I sat next to him in band all last year--he was an AWESOME tenor sax player, and a lot of the time he was a really nice guy (he had his moments, just like anybody else). We played a piece in band for the last concert called Godzilla Eats Las Vegas, and he put together this enormous movie production thing for it to tell the story that goes with the music. It was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen, and he was given a standing ovation for it. He was a senior.
I really don't feel anything right now, and that almost scares me. I haven't cried. I've spent my evening answering questions and keeping an eye out for word, and comforting another friend who was very close to this young man--she was really upset. I've had a couple of 'freak out' moments, but...I don't know, I just feel kind of numb.
I don't think it's fully hit me yet. I don't think it WILL hit me until I walk into the next band rehearsal and look up in the second row and see that empty chair. I think that's when it'll sink in that I'll never get to say hi to him again. And then I think it's really going to start hurting. That's when it'll be real.
Shit...I just don't know what to do. I just don't know.
~ Candy-chan
[EDITTED: 2/21/2005] I think it's pretty much official--it was suicide.