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candylandFirst things first: ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ysabet? I saw this pic and thought of you :D
All right, now onto the serious stuff. There are two separate issues on this lovely srs bsns post, so I'm putting them under two cuts to spare you and your f-lists if you don't wish to read. So here we go, time for some soul-searching and the getting of things off my chest.
My dad is sixty years old. He'll be sixty-one in August. So he's not exactly old, but he's certainly not young anymore. And he's what most would call a blue-collar working, since he has worked in warehousing for most of my life. It was always a treat when Bring Your Daughter to Work Day rolled around and my sister and I could go with Dad to work because hey, when you're in third grade, it doesn't get much cooler than getting to roller-blade around your Dad's warehouse instead of being in school.
Lately, Dad's been...very forgetful. He made the comment that he's starting to make little mistakes at work, nothing major and nothing that can't be fixed, but just little errors here and there that he hadn't made before.
And it's been the same at home--he suggested to my mother on Thursday morning that we should all go to Pizza Ranch for dinner and then go take care of the family graves in town in honor of Memorial Day. She thought that was a good idea. Two hours later he calls to tell me about dinner...and had completely forgotten about the graves. Even though it had only been a couple of hours, and even though it was his idea. When Mom mentioned it to me and we both mentioned it to him, he looked blank.
That's just the most recent in a line of little tiny things, but...well, Mom dropped the big awful A word into the conversation when she and I were talking about this: Alzheimer's. There is such a thing as early-onset Alzheimer's. But the drugs they have for it can postpone the inevitable for years. The problem is that Dad keeps...well, forgetting to make a doctor's appointment.
Whether it's dementia, early-onset Alzheimer's, or just flat-out old age, I wish he would go get checked out so we would know. And if it is something that can be treated, we can get him some medication. Because forgetting his own idea an hour after coming up with it and after discussing it...that doesn't seem normal to me.
...and goddammit, I'm getting teary just typing this because I'm so damned worried.
*wipes eyes and continues* Now onto a slightly more self-centered note~
I am at the point in my life where, as my father would say, I need to reinvent myself. Rediscover myself, who I am and what I want to do and where I want to go. As most of you know, I scored a new job as a pharmacy technician, which is definitely a lot better than where I was, but...I have a college degree. I am educated. And I want something better than where I am right now.
I will also, however, again reference the wisdom of my father, who once told me: "I would shovel shit for a living to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. That's why the good Lord gave us soap and water." I consider my father to be a very wise man. Even if he does cut his spaghetti hard enough to scratch the plate, and then can't figure out why we all have our fingers in our ears to keep the nails-on-chalkboard sound from getting in.
Discussion with my parents about this has left me decided that I want to do something. I just don't know what or how to get there. And therein lies my big problem. I don't know what I want to do. I'm young enough to have a tiny bit of leeway in terms of time, but...I can't help feeling like I'm being overly optimistic on that front.
Working in the pharmacy has surprised me with how much I actually enjoy it. It's an entirely new world, and I find myself wanting to learn everything there is. Which has led me to the thought that maybe I should look into pharmacology and actually become a pharmacist. But then I remember that I hated science and math in high school. I mean, I did well in them, but I didn't care for them.
...well, my mom pointed out that in high school, I lived and breathed music, and since science and math weren't on my priority list, I didn't give them as much of my time as I probably could/should have. She also pointed out that my Chem and Algebra teachers were really not that great of teachers, which probably didn't help the cause any. She thinks if I wanted to do it, I probably could at this point because it would be the sole object of my attentions. I've also matured a fair amount since high school, which would help.
So a bit of research tells me that if I really wanted to pursue this, all I'd have to do would be a bunch of undergrad work in a science field, be admitted to a pharmacy school, and...yeah, you get the idea. It's all just really discouraging.
Then there's also the issue of money. I'm working. I have a job, and it's paying my bills while leaving me with a small amount of discretionary income--enough to go out to dinner with friends now and then, or to buy the occasional fun thing. I'm paying back student loans on a degree that I'm not using for a field I'm completely soured on. So I'd be trying to work to keep paying my bills while racking up more debt to go back to school for something else...
Again, this is all really discouraging.
To once again quote my father, I need to decide what I want to be when I grow up. And I don't know that. I don't know what my options are, and I'm not entirely sure where I can find an answer. I feel like I'm trapped in this little bubble, and there's a needle just out of my reach. If I can figure out how to grab it and pop the bubble, then I'll have a shot at something better.
Yes, it's a crap analogy, but you get the idea.
I have dreams, many of which will stay just that. All my life I've had dreams of various things. Right now my dreams consist of finding out what I want to do and what makes me happy, and getting to a place where I can do it, and finally having some security. And that dream, which is both simple and utterly complicated at the same time, seems both obtainable and more or less out of reach.
I don't know if I want to be a pharmacist. Do I like the pharmacy? Yes. Could I make it into and then through pharmacy school? I have no idea. What else could I do? I really don't know. I'm trying to look at what I could do, what some of my options are. And I feel like I'm coming up dry.
There are hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of different careers in the world. There has to be one out there that's right for me. I just can't seem to find it. Because I can't stay like this forever. But I don't even really know where the first step is so I can take it.
...discouraging. Very discouraging.
... *wipes eyes again* Okay, I got this all out for the moment. Thanks for letting me blather.
ysabet? I saw this pic and thought of you :DAll right, now onto the serious stuff. There are two separate issues on this lovely srs bsns post, so I'm putting them under two cuts to spare you and your f-lists if you don't wish to read. So here we go, time for some soul-searching and the getting of things off my chest.
My dad is sixty years old. He'll be sixty-one in August. So he's not exactly old, but he's certainly not young anymore. And he's what most would call a blue-collar working, since he has worked in warehousing for most of my life. It was always a treat when Bring Your Daughter to Work Day rolled around and my sister and I could go with Dad to work because hey, when you're in third grade, it doesn't get much cooler than getting to roller-blade around your Dad's warehouse instead of being in school.
Lately, Dad's been...very forgetful. He made the comment that he's starting to make little mistakes at work, nothing major and nothing that can't be fixed, but just little errors here and there that he hadn't made before.
And it's been the same at home--he suggested to my mother on Thursday morning that we should all go to Pizza Ranch for dinner and then go take care of the family graves in town in honor of Memorial Day. She thought that was a good idea. Two hours later he calls to tell me about dinner...and had completely forgotten about the graves. Even though it had only been a couple of hours, and even though it was his idea. When Mom mentioned it to me and we both mentioned it to him, he looked blank.
That's just the most recent in a line of little tiny things, but...well, Mom dropped the big awful A word into the conversation when she and I were talking about this: Alzheimer's. There is such a thing as early-onset Alzheimer's. But the drugs they have for it can postpone the inevitable for years. The problem is that Dad keeps...well, forgetting to make a doctor's appointment.
Whether it's dementia, early-onset Alzheimer's, or just flat-out old age, I wish he would go get checked out so we would know. And if it is something that can be treated, we can get him some medication. Because forgetting his own idea an hour after coming up with it and after discussing it...that doesn't seem normal to me.
...and goddammit, I'm getting teary just typing this because I'm so damned worried.
*wipes eyes and continues* Now onto a slightly more self-centered note~
I am at the point in my life where, as my father would say, I need to reinvent myself. Rediscover myself, who I am and what I want to do and where I want to go. As most of you know, I scored a new job as a pharmacy technician, which is definitely a lot better than where I was, but...I have a college degree. I am educated. And I want something better than where I am right now.
I will also, however, again reference the wisdom of my father, who once told me: "I would shovel shit for a living to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. That's why the good Lord gave us soap and water." I consider my father to be a very wise man. Even if he does cut his spaghetti hard enough to scratch the plate, and then can't figure out why we all have our fingers in our ears to keep the nails-on-chalkboard sound from getting in.
Discussion with my parents about this has left me decided that I want to do something. I just don't know what or how to get there. And therein lies my big problem. I don't know what I want to do. I'm young enough to have a tiny bit of leeway in terms of time, but...I can't help feeling like I'm being overly optimistic on that front.
Working in the pharmacy has surprised me with how much I actually enjoy it. It's an entirely new world, and I find myself wanting to learn everything there is. Which has led me to the thought that maybe I should look into pharmacology and actually become a pharmacist. But then I remember that I hated science and math in high school. I mean, I did well in them, but I didn't care for them.
...well, my mom pointed out that in high school, I lived and breathed music, and since science and math weren't on my priority list, I didn't give them as much of my time as I probably could/should have. She also pointed out that my Chem and Algebra teachers were really not that great of teachers, which probably didn't help the cause any. She thinks if I wanted to do it, I probably could at this point because it would be the sole object of my attentions. I've also matured a fair amount since high school, which would help.
So a bit of research tells me that if I really wanted to pursue this, all I'd have to do would be a bunch of undergrad work in a science field, be admitted to a pharmacy school, and...yeah, you get the idea. It's all just really discouraging.
Then there's also the issue of money. I'm working. I have a job, and it's paying my bills while leaving me with a small amount of discretionary income--enough to go out to dinner with friends now and then, or to buy the occasional fun thing. I'm paying back student loans on a degree that I'm not using for a field I'm completely soured on. So I'd be trying to work to keep paying my bills while racking up more debt to go back to school for something else...
Again, this is all really discouraging.
To once again quote my father, I need to decide what I want to be when I grow up. And I don't know that. I don't know what my options are, and I'm not entirely sure where I can find an answer. I feel like I'm trapped in this little bubble, and there's a needle just out of my reach. If I can figure out how to grab it and pop the bubble, then I'll have a shot at something better.
Yes, it's a crap analogy, but you get the idea.
I have dreams, many of which will stay just that. All my life I've had dreams of various things. Right now my dreams consist of finding out what I want to do and what makes me happy, and getting to a place where I can do it, and finally having some security. And that dream, which is both simple and utterly complicated at the same time, seems both obtainable and more or less out of reach.
I don't know if I want to be a pharmacist. Do I like the pharmacy? Yes. Could I make it into and then through pharmacy school? I have no idea. What else could I do? I really don't know. I'm trying to look at what I could do, what some of my options are. And I feel like I'm coming up dry.
There are hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of different careers in the world. There has to be one out there that's right for me. I just can't seem to find it. Because I can't stay like this forever. But I don't even really know where the first step is so I can take it.
...discouraging. Very discouraging.
... *wipes eyes again* Okay, I got this all out for the moment. Thanks for letting me blather.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-25 03:42 am (UTC)(s-sorry for such a vague cheesy response but I honestly feel that ;m;)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-25 04:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-25 05:16 am (UTC)Since you mentioned music
Date: 2009-05-25 06:21 am (UTC)Every man has his goal
People like the way dreams have
Of sticking to the soul
Thunderclouds have their lightning
Nightingales have their song
And don't you see I want my life to be
Something more than long...."
I wish you luck in finding what you want to do, what you want with your life. I turned 25, am in school for Education, and I'm still not entirely sure what I want to do with my life.
*hugs* If you figure out the secret let me know.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-25 06:23 am (UTC)*hugs hugs hugs* And good luck with your dad, hon. (Is there no possibility at all that he's just forgetful? I've a terrible short term memory...maaaaaaaaybe?)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-25 06:59 am (UTC)My mom is about to turn 83. Obviously she's a lot older than your dad, and her dementia's very severe; she didn't remember that two of her siblings had died, and when this was accidentally mentioned to her it was like she was losing them all over again-- it's a hard, hard thing to deal with. If we'd known about it earlier and had her checked up a decade or more ago when she first started to show signs that something was wrong, maybe she'd be in better shape now.
Do what you can; he's a lucky, lucky man that his family cares about him this much. Get that appointment set up for him any way that you can... it may come to nothing, or it may save him in ways you can't begin to guess right now. Good luck, okay? **hugs**
EDIT: ...and I forgot to say, thanks for the pic! WEASLE OF CUTENESS FTW! \o/
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-25 09:10 am (UTC)Now about you- I'll quote a great line I heard today-
There are no rules.
The rules are what you want them to be. Your sense of success is the only measuring stick that matters. You'll figure it out by trying different things and there's no harm in that.
At least you've already gone to school so going back, especially if the program you found wasn't all that long, won't be that bad. It's all about what's right for you.
Maybe packing up and heading to broadway and hollywood for music is also an option (or being a music professor - less oversight and all that jazz). Mess around with what you have for something new :D
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-25 12:01 pm (UTC)As far as the career thing goes....well, I wouldn't worry about going into pharmacy school just yet. You JUST got the new job, after all, and you might find it isn't what you want to do with your life. If you do get serious, I would suggest looking into scholarship programs; also, some places will help you work towards degrees and pay for part or all of your education, so that'd be worth looking into too. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-25 03:59 pm (UTC)Tohru was thinking about what she'd do once she got out of high school. She got discouraged too, because she didn't really have any money and she had no idea where she might end up. Shigure compared the stress he had to a huge pile of laundry. He told her that it's easy to get overwhelmed by the huge amount in front of her, so the best place to start it all would be at the pile right at her feet. I imagine this every time I get upset, or even if I need to clean anything up. You work your way up. The first part is really choosing what you're willing to dedicate yourself to. As soon as you figure that out, you'll be surprised at how easily everything falls in to your lap after that. Everything falls in to place eventually.
*hugs* I'm sorry I haven't been around too much lately, but I saw this, and I felt my need to say something. I hope things aren't too hard on you, Miss Candy <3
(no subject)
Date: 2009-05-25 05:45 pm (UTC)So I keep telling myself this is only a chapter in my life I will get through and when the next chapter comes up I am that much more experienced. Keep telling yourself you can do it because even if you don't think you can, try anyway you might surprise yourself.
“The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible.” -David Viscott quotes
Keep your head up and a smile on your face!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-06-02 04:35 am (UTC)As for what you want to be when you grow up...your grown up kiddo. If your life needs to revolve around your Job thats fine but its not necessary to have your heart set on being something in order to be an adult. You can have other goals, such as publishing music or art, or becoming an author. Or with being happy with the simple things in life. Aint nobody sayin you have to get some big important job to have a satisfying life. But feel free to come out my way if you wanna make a big change in life, you can be my roomate and everythin ;)