A little bit of wallowing...

[candyland]

I feel like I've been doing a lot of whining lately, but jeva_chan insists that I'm not whining, and...I just need to get this out. Hopefully, I won't start crying again, because I already did that. Twice.



For starters, pretty sure I did not do well on that Art History test this morning.

My senior voice recital is on Friday. This is the culmination of three and a half years of private voice study. I have to memorize and sing forty-five minutes worth of music because I helped with two other recitals. So instead of an hour, I need forty-five minutes. A senior trombone player named Cory is doing this jointly with me so we can both get this done.

I'm absolutely terrified. I don't feel like I'm ready. I don't feel like I know my music well enough. And this is basically my overall final exam for voice stuff. Almost everything else is on the back-burner for this week, including piano--which is ANOTHER source of perpetual strain and worry. I'm surprised I don't have an ulcer yet. I have to pass piano proficiency this semester, or else I'm hosed.

Anyway, so I'm uber-stressing about this. Leah and I are discussing Methods (which we're BOTH freaking out about, and I'll get to that in shortly) when PK comes in and asks if I've ordered the punch and cookies for the recital. My response is, of course, "Huh?" So I'm getting a mini-grilling about the fact that this was apparently my responsibility, and I'm still going "Huh?" Well, we went to Methods class...in which I wound up bursting into tears. Great. Way to go, Linds.

Methods itself is a source of stress because of observation. She got us placed for observation at a school half an hour away. Which means that we have to plan about an hour of travel time into our scheduling. The other thing to consider is that the teacher only has a certain block of time in which she has secondary choirs. So we have to be there at that time. Since it takes half an hour to get there, we're basically arriving halfway through the junior high choir. All in all, we're guaranteed about an hour and a half of observation time. Figure in that we got lost the last time we went, and lost a half an hour trying to find the right turn. And she somehow thinks we're going to finish this by Thanksgiving?? *headdesks* The teacher we're working with is fantastic, but we're debating as to whether or not it's worth the headache.

Also, for voice lessons we're required to attend a recital. Usually, there are a few a semester, and there are ads all over Edson about them. I hadn't seen a-one. So I asked. Guess how many recitals there are this semester. Two. That's right, TWO. And one of them is MINE. The other one is TOMORROW. So I have to go to this one tomorrow night to get my requirement in. Whoop-dee-doo, one more thing to add pressure...

Anyway, so after class PK continues to harp at me about the stupid cookies and punch until finally I just whirled and informed her that thus far, I've had absolutely no CLUE what's going on with this recital. I've had no part in anything, and I get the general impression that I've been getting a pat on the head and shoo-ed off to sing my little songs and not worry my pretty little head about things...and she told me that they needed to have it done today. That was when I pretty much stormed off.

I went down to the Cent Room. ashleymouse and jewelsybear1017 were down there. I managed to not burst into tears until I was sitting down at the booth with them. And I had a nice cry. And God bless Jewelsy--while I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself, she went and got the order in for me for the cookies and punch. Bless you, my primary corruptor. Bless you ♥

Choir sucks, not gonna lie. We're doing a couple of neat songs, but the major work is absolutely boring. She keeps going on about how it's such pretty writing, but...I'm really not that impressed. The Rutter Reqiuem is a hundred times more beautiful and emotional than this Faure Requiem is. It's tedious to sing. I love our women's song, though--the one I'm conducting. But we didn't rehearse that today.

It's just sort of a culmination of a lot of shit that's been going on. I'm supposed to write a 5-7 page paper (which I think is due next week) over a visit to a Buddhist shrine...but I can't find the damn shrine! I've driven all over town looking for this place, and I can't find it. I can't write a paper about a place I can't freakin' find! Plus, my Art History paper is due next week as well, and I haven't even started writing it. Minimum of ten pages over King Tut with a focus on the death mask.

I'm also now two days behind on NaNoWriMo. I know that's not a huge requirement, but...gah...I really wanted to succeed at this, and so far, I'm...well, I'm not. But mostly it's this recital...I'm so stressed out about it. If I bomb...

...and I forgot to do that Academic Action to make sure the recital was on my transcript. F**K. I need to do that tomorrow...maybe after voice lessons DIE DIE DIE DIE DIIIIIIIE...

And then I get onto LJ to post about how upset I am, and I check my f-list, and I feel so freakin' petty because compared to something a couple of other people are going through right now...my problems are nothing. And as usual, I can't think of anything to say to be comforting at all. Their troubles are a lot worse than mine.

God...right now I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Stupid recital...hopefully things will be a little bit better tomorrow.

I want to get out of here.

Comments

[ran-mouri82.livejournal.com]

The problem here is really simple: you've got a whole mess of crap on your plate. Don't worry about how your problems compare with others'. Everyone has suffering to endure, but that doesn't make yours any less unique or painful. You're not God, nor should anyone expect you to be. It's much easier said than done, but just do your best. That's all anyone CAN ask of you, and you're obviously working your butt off to do it. I'm praying for you, dear. ^^

Btw, thanks for trying to soothe my writer's anxiety. You're a better friend than you realize.

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

Dude, like I said. Your worries and your problems have no comparison to anothers. Your problems and your worries are yours and if you need to get them out, then just do it. Don't care what other people thing, don't care if you think that other's problems are bigger--your problems are yours. LJ is for helping you get out those kinds of things, ne? Don't be so timid to use it for that reason *hugs*

And yeesh...that does sound like hell. Luckily enough, my problems thus far is just financially...my classes aren't so bad this quarter, and I'm thankful for that. So really,. in that sense, you've got it worse than me. Especially since you're planning to graduate this quarter or the next or something, right?

*hugs* Just do what my dad told me to do that week everyone dumped everything on me: keep jumping those damn bars until you look around and realize there's no more bars to jump. It's tiring and it's hard, but there's nothing you can really do except jump to achieve your goal, ne?
*hugs more* Good luck with everything, chicka! Ganbatte! You can do it!

[magicbulletgirl.livejournal.com]

YOU! Yes YOU, have EVERY RIGHT to feel this way. That is so much I'm surprised you haven't exploded before! That is a lot of music to get thorough and everything else but I know you can do it. Micro-manage every single hour, sit down and just think of everything you have to do and write it out and plan. When you set aside time to write buckle down. And really put off NaNoWriMo till this weekend or later, when you have relaxed a bit you'll be surprised the words just stream out (in fact you probably know this well already ^____-)
You have lots of friends here, and we'd all try to help you out. Like the songs you need to sing, do you have mp3s of them to listen to while you work cause that's how I learn songs all the time (and now you also have a logical reason to sing in the shower!) ^^
So *hug* Candy you'll make it, you feel like you'll die for a bit but at the end of it, you'll feel really nice ^^
*glomps*

[ulfstormbringer.livejournal.com]

*huggles* I just have to say this. I believe in you. You will do great.

[spirit-sage-333.livejournal.com]

Sighs, my Candy never brings these problems to me :( This makes the Ryann Sad. Remember how bad i sang at my recital? I got an A, you will be FINE. Everything is crammed right now, your stressed, everyone gets this way this close to the end! It will be alright, you will stress, you will cry,, and you will survive and think "god i worried over THAT?". if you wanted to get away you dont need to crawl in a hole, you need to come here :) *pets your pretty little head*

[writergurl.livejournal.com]

Lindsey, I've known you for years, and I know you are a dedicated(ish, lol) student. If anyone can get through all that, I think it would be you. You will be just fine. Just take it one thing at a time, and before you know it, you will have gotten through everything.

When do you think you'll be in Sioux City next? Maybe I will treat you to delicious Chinese at one of the fine buffet establishments, if I have the $$? Chinese makes everything OK :)