A little bit of wallowing...

[candyland]

I feel like I've been doing a lot of whining lately, but jeva_chan insists that I'm not whining, and...I just need to get this out. Hopefully, I won't start crying again, because I already did that. Twice.



For starters, pretty sure I did not do well on that Art History test this morning.

My senior voice recital is on Friday. This is the culmination of three and a half years of private voice study. I have to memorize and sing forty-five minutes worth of music because I helped with two other recitals. So instead of an hour, I need forty-five minutes. A senior trombone player named Cory is doing this jointly with me so we can both get this done.

I'm absolutely terrified. I don't feel like I'm ready. I don't feel like I know my music well enough. And this is basically my overall final exam for voice stuff. Almost everything else is on the back-burner for this week, including piano--which is ANOTHER source of perpetual strain and worry. I'm surprised I don't have an ulcer yet. I have to pass piano proficiency this semester, or else I'm hosed.

Anyway, so I'm uber-stressing about this. Leah and I are discussing Methods (which we're BOTH freaking out about, and I'll get to that in shortly) when PK comes in and asks if I've ordered the punch and cookies for the recital. My response is, of course, "Huh?" So I'm getting a mini-grilling about the fact that this was apparently my responsibility, and I'm still going "Huh?" Well, we went to Methods class...in which I wound up bursting into tears. Great. Way to go, Linds.

Methods itself is a source of stress because of observation. She got us placed for observation at a school half an hour away. Which means that we have to plan about an hour of travel time into our scheduling. The other thing to consider is that the teacher only has a certain block of time in which she has secondary choirs. So we have to be there at that time. Since it takes half an hour to get there, we're basically arriving halfway through the junior high choir. All in all, we're guaranteed about an hour and a half of observation time. Figure in that we got lost the last time we went, and lost a half an hour trying to find the right turn. And she somehow thinks we're going to finish this by Thanksgiving?? *headdesks* The teacher we're working with is fantastic, but we're debating as to whether or not it's worth the headache.

Also, for voice lessons we're required to attend a recital. Usually, there are a few a semester, and there are ads all over Edson about them. I hadn't seen a-one. So I asked. Guess how many recitals there are this semester. Two. That's right, TWO. And one of them is MINE. The other one is TOMORROW. So I have to go to this one tomorrow night to get my requirement in. Whoop-dee-doo, one more thing to add pressure...

Anyway, so after class PK continues to harp at me about the stupid cookies and punch until finally I just whirled and informed her that thus far, I've had absolutely no CLUE what's going on with this recital. I've had no part in anything, and I get the general impression that I've been getting a pat on the head and shoo-ed off to sing my little songs and not worry my pretty little head about things...and she told me that they needed to have it done today. That was when I pretty much stormed off.

I went down to the Cent Room. ashleymouse and jewelsybear1017 were down there. I managed to not burst into tears until I was sitting down at the booth with them. And I had a nice cry. And God bless Jewelsy--while I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself, she went and got the order in for me for the cookies and punch. Bless you, my primary corruptor. Bless you ♥

Choir sucks, not gonna lie. We're doing a couple of neat songs, but the major work is absolutely boring. She keeps going on about how it's such pretty writing, but...I'm really not that impressed. The Rutter Reqiuem is a hundred times more beautiful and emotional than this Faure Requiem is. It's tedious to sing. I love our women's song, though--the one I'm conducting. But we didn't rehearse that today.

It's just sort of a culmination of a lot of shit that's been going on. I'm supposed to write a 5-7 page paper (which I think is due next week) over a visit to a Buddhist shrine...but I can't find the damn shrine! I've driven all over town looking for this place, and I can't find it. I can't write a paper about a place I can't freakin' find! Plus, my Art History paper is due next week as well, and I haven't even started writing it. Minimum of ten pages over King Tut with a focus on the death mask.

I'm also now two days behind on NaNoWriMo. I know that's not a huge requirement, but...gah...I really wanted to succeed at this, and so far, I'm...well, I'm not. But mostly it's this recital...I'm so stressed out about it. If I bomb...

...and I forgot to do that Academic Action to make sure the recital was on my transcript. F**K. I need to do that tomorrow...maybe after voice lessons DIE DIE DIE DIE DIIIIIIIE...

And then I get onto LJ to post about how upset I am, and I check my f-list, and I feel so freakin' petty because compared to something a couple of other people are going through right now...my problems are nothing. And as usual, I can't think of anything to say to be comforting at all. Their troubles are a lot worse than mine.

God...right now I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Stupid recital...hopefully things will be a little bit better tomorrow.

I want to get out of here.

Comments

[ran-mouri82.livejournal.com]

The problem here is really simple: you've got a whole mess of crap on your plate. Don't worry about how your problems compare with others'. Everyone has suffering to endure, but that doesn't make yours any less unique or painful. You're not God, nor should anyone expect you to be. It's much easier said than done, but just do your best. That's all anyone CAN ask of you, and you're obviously working your butt off to do it. I'm praying for you, dear. ^^

Btw, thanks for trying to soothe my writer's anxiety. You're a better friend than you realize.

[candy--chan.livejournal.com]

I always worry about everything. I'm a mother hen--I worry too much about my own stuff, and too much about everyone else's stuff. It's just the person I am. And...I don't know, compared to what's going on with Jeva, it just doesn't seem right that I should be freaking out so much over a dumb recital >.>

But...

*hugs* You're an amazing friend, you know that? I really do appreciate your kind words, and I'm glad I could help you out. Thank you so much =) And hey, tomorrow's another day, right? ♥

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

And...I don't know, compared to what's going on with Jeva, it just doesn't seem right that I should be freaking out so much over a dumb recital >.>

...*calmly takes the mallet from you and--BONK*

Sweetie...I've said this several times. My problems are mine and yours and yours. Even if I'm having a little trouble myself, it'll all get worked out eventually--and the same for you! You really, really shouldn't compare these sort of issues you're going through with the issues I'm having.

1) They're in a completely different category of problem--yours is school and almost work-related; mine is financial matters that are completely out of my hands. Completely different matters there but one is not worse than the other. They're different kinds of stress...it'd be like comparing apples to oranges!

and...

2) It's not a dumb recital. This is a big thing for your grade and for your graduating and becoming a student-teacher, right? So don't say it's not that big of a deal when it probably is. And don't undermind your own stress and difficulties. If you've been in tears over it--it's a very big deal. Just...don't say it's not, okay? Because it is.

So yeah...just...don't compare yourself and your problems with other's. It's not a wise thing to do. And don't undermind your problems and constantly stuff them away. That's a good way to make the glass jar you stuff them away in break under the pressure--and cleaning up broken glass is not fun, right?

*hugs*

[candy--chan.livejournal.com]

*BONK'd* Waaaaaaaaah... *hides* NO BONKY!! JEVA NO BONKY!!

I can't help it--I have this horrible habit of trying to make everything my problem, and I feel bad when I can't do anything, and dammit, it just seems like what you might have to deal with is a lot worse than me having to stand on a stage and hope to God that I don't forget my Italian words. You're my friend--I worry about you.

I know this recital is a big deal...but comparatived to what's going on with other people...geez, anything I say right now, you're going to bonk me >.>

There's a reason why I'm so hesitant to share my problems with my friends. If you really want to know...I'll tell you. But it's why I internalize everything. I know that one of these days, I'm going to explode and it won't be pretty.

But I'm trying. I promise...I'm really trying.

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

Dude, like I said. Your worries and your problems have no comparison to anothers. Your problems and your worries are yours and if you need to get them out, then just do it. Don't care what other people thing, don't care if you think that other's problems are bigger--your problems are yours. LJ is for helping you get out those kinds of things, ne? Don't be so timid to use it for that reason *hugs*

And yeesh...that does sound like hell. Luckily enough, my problems thus far is just financially...my classes aren't so bad this quarter, and I'm thankful for that. So really,. in that sense, you've got it worse than me. Especially since you're planning to graduate this quarter or the next or something, right?

*hugs* Just do what my dad told me to do that week everyone dumped everything on me: keep jumping those damn bars until you look around and realize there's no more bars to jump. It's tiring and it's hard, but there's nothing you can really do except jump to achieve your goal, ne?
*hugs more* Good luck with everything, chicka! Ganbatte! You can do it!

[candy--chan.livejournal.com]

But...but... *hugs back*

I'm done with classes this semester. I student teach next semester and graduate in May...which will open up a whole new can of "OHMIGOD I'M GOING TO DIE!!" But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

*hugs back more* Going to reply to your other comment now. Will have more to say there >.>

[magicbulletgirl.livejournal.com]

YOU! Yes YOU, have EVERY RIGHT to feel this way. That is so much I'm surprised you haven't exploded before! That is a lot of music to get thorough and everything else but I know you can do it. Micro-manage every single hour, sit down and just think of everything you have to do and write it out and plan. When you set aside time to write buckle down. And really put off NaNoWriMo till this weekend or later, when you have relaxed a bit you'll be surprised the words just stream out (in fact you probably know this well already ^____-)
You have lots of friends here, and we'd all try to help you out. Like the songs you need to sing, do you have mp3s of them to listen to while you work cause that's how I learn songs all the time (and now you also have a logical reason to sing in the shower!) ^^
So *hug* Candy you'll make it, you feel like you'll die for a bit but at the end of it, you'll feel really nice ^^
*glomps*

[candy--chan.livejournal.com]

I have a bad habit of locking stuff up, and I have a reason for being like that. I know it's horrible and I'm setting myself up for disaster >.> Just...can't help it.

We did a run-through of most of the program today. With the exception of the Italian, it's pretty solid. I know I'll be okay...just not gonna be calm about it 'till it's over! You guys will all know the minute it's over, too ^^;;

That's actually how I've been testing myself on my memorization--by singing my recital pieces in the shower. Probably scared a couple of people who've walked in to brush their teeth and hear this voice singing "Che fiero costume da liegero nume..." Hee~

...you guys are way too nice to me, you know that? *hugs* Thank you--I promise I will cheer up and be happy for my friend's sake! As for NaNo...pretty sure Thanksgiving break is going to be devoted almost exclusively to writing my next great American novel ^.^

[ulfstormbringer.livejournal.com]

*huggles* I just have to say this. I believe in you. You will do great.

[candy--chan.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *hugstight*

[spirit-sage-333.livejournal.com]

Sighs, my Candy never brings these problems to me :( This makes the Ryann Sad. Remember how bad i sang at my recital? I got an A, you will be FINE. Everything is crammed right now, your stressed, everyone gets this way this close to the end! It will be alright, you will stress, you will cry,, and you will survive and think "god i worried over THAT?". if you wanted to get away you dont need to crawl in a hole, you need to come here :) *pets your pretty little head*

[candy--chan.livejournal.com]

*sheepish* Figured you had plenty on your mind last night. NUUUU!! I do not want the Ryann to be sad!!

Dude...you sounded AWESOME at your recital. Freakin' awesome. Of course you got an A! But I did a run-through of all the pieces today, and I was more or less solid on everything...except the Italian ^^;; Ashley said she'd help me with that, though. It'll be okay, but I probably won't relax until this thing's over and done. I felt a lot better after I got a full night's sleep

Mreeeeew... *ish petted* ♥

[writergurl.livejournal.com]

Lindsey, I've known you for years, and I know you are a dedicated(ish, lol) student. If anyone can get through all that, I think it would be you. You will be just fine. Just take it one thing at a time, and before you know it, you will have gotten through everything.

When do you think you'll be in Sioux City next? Maybe I will treat you to delicious Chinese at one of the fine buffet establishments, if I have the $$? Chinese makes everything OK :)

[candy--chan.livejournal.com]

Dedicated-ish, huh? *laugh* I actually sang through the entire program today during my lesson, and except for the Italian pieces, it went all right. I think it'll be okay, but I'm not going to be able to relax until this thing is over. Y'all will hear as soon as it's done, for better or for worse.

We must go for Chinese sometime, yes! It's been ages since we occupied a booth at a restaurant for three or four hours, getting glares as we continued to ask for more hot tea ♥ I think the next time I'll be home will be Thanksgiving, and then I'll be home from finals probably the evening of December 14th =D We'll make plans *love*